The Adventures of Furious Vagina along with her Dating Application | HuffPost Amusement

Let me make it clear an account of an in depth friend of mine called furious Vagina. One intimately discouraged day, she chooses to join a mobile matchmaking app against her better view. Dared to sign up by a Penis Custodian buddy of hers (technically perhaps not bangable as a result of «nobody’s drilling company») the woman is unable to withstand the task and so opens up by herself extensively and blissfully for the options.

Thus we start our tale for the popular furious V as she downloads the application onto Rose-Goldie the new iphone 4, putting the woman 6 greatest photos including a superstar headlining image as presented below.

Provided limited space to articulate the woman greatness, she is next compelled to condense the woman epic biography into a couple of boner-inducing outlines and finishes her profile to perfection. And almost like miracle, mushroom-head proprietors ready for evaluation instantly show up on the woman feed.

Per dating app principles, Angry Vagina must swipe kept if a specimen can make this lady dried out as an item of sandpaper or otherwise disgusts their. As an alternative she must swipe correct if she would like to play with new shaft involved.

Below we have the advantage of observing her stream of consciousness as she sifts through the influx of moping scarecrows together with her new iphone.


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would we bang that man? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would we bang that guy? Perhaps. Umm.

Recalling the important fairy reports of the woman childhood, furious Vagina suddenly feels bad if you are so shallow and gives a lot more soul to her «swipage» as she continues the woman research Prince Charming.


Behold! me personally is new princess nameth «Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty». I hath talked.

(Angry V therefore reinvents the fairy-tale matchmaking story, but now into the design of

Rapunzel

. Equipped with boner versus sword, Prince slays impoverishment dragon in order to buy pricey new iphone. The guy now climbs enchanted rope of cyber pubic locks, ascends dating-app tower. At orgasm of tower, crazy V shoves him down dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong vocals . . .)


Small meet gay guys near me now puppy. Pretends become tall.

(Swipes remaining)


Bicycle guy likes spandex. Golf balls maybe not big enough. Please mount bike in place of woman.

(Swipes left)


Wealth placed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself plastic vagina.

(Swipes kept)


Too-young. Like kid. Premature spooge likely.

(Swipes kept.)


The reason why very bald on a regular basis?

(Swipes remaining)


«Entrepreneur». No unemployed dudes allowed.

(Swipes remaining)


Cat hater?!

(Swipes remaining, punches phone-in face, inserts profile pic of one-true-love «Kitteh».)

(Continuing as if hooked.)


Software engineer pretending getting fascinating rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes remaining)


Amazing abs. Eliminate butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes left)


An excessive amount of mustache. Face forest outcompete outdated development woodland of aggravated Vagina.

(Swipes left)


Gym selfies only? Exactly how ‘bout penis pushups.

(Swipes remaining)


Oooooh! Someone is actually hat lover. Ought to be addressing bald area.

(Swipes remaining)


You live WHEREIN? Or is that the place you park your car . . .

(Swipes left)



Wow you like sporting events? Interesting. Certainly one of kind. Time and energy to delete internet dating app and get hitched.

(Swipes remaining)



You like to SEXT? In which is actually center finger emoji . . .

(Swipes kept)


Shows himself in photograph alongside sexier man. Dumbass.

(Swipes remaining)


Claims to end up being bold but is an individual trainer.

(Swipes remaining)


Children? Woman boner deceased.

(Swipes left)


Detailed as «director» on profile. Of what? Furious Vagina’s irritation?

(Swipes left)


No account details. Hail to a single picture of acne-prone skin. I’d like to go on and throw feet available for your needs today.

(Swipes left)


Happy vegan with picture of real time cucumber. Manhood likely shriveled and depriving for necessary protein. I’ll just take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)


Whaaaat. Now they may be giving me females. Swiping remaining too fast?

(Swipes remaining more slowly)

(Angry Vagina requires break to contact best friend «Nongay Wife» for nostalgic words via text.)

«Nongay Wife, I am top the plumped for people (otherwise referred to as Kitteh) through wasteland like Moses. Looking around discover h2o or Penis Custodian. I do not know if I will endure. Kindly send support.»

(Waits for response and continues search.)


Oh no! Swiped correct unintentionally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Prohibited? Fuuuuuck. Hate that ugly guy believes he is preferred. Fuuuuuck.

(brand-new inspiration.)

Left-swipage is actually slowly eliminating spirit. Must turn to self-swipage for recovering . . .

(Angry Vagina requires impromptu split. Wasn’t prepared return to penis wasteland anyhow.)

(Quick while afterwards, back on phone application like research pet.)


Trump supporter. Form of attractive. Cannot. Permit. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes remaining)


Nipples pointier than mine.

(Swipes kept)


President of something? Exactly how many unemployed guys are there?

(Swipes remaining)



Yes! Long hair good. Lady-boner says hi.

(Swipes correct)


Tresses too-long. Homeless guy.

(Swipes remaining)



College student. Poverty lethal to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too-late . . .

(Swipes remaining)


Looks 8 months expecting with Budweiser.

(Swipes kept)


Group chance with females! Trying to persuade myself that they like you.

(Swipes remaining)


Self-employed hot man. Will not bang you in moms and dads’ cellar.

(Swipes left)



Many sharp teeth. Might also have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes left)


Pretty sure each pic on your own profile is actually various man. Crazy Vagina is puzzled.

(Swipes left)


Weird smiley face. Looks also happy. Most likely serial killer.

(Swipes remaining)


Hot man great human anatomy. Dull character and task. Swipe kept, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)


Over 40 never hitched. Lonely self-centered guy. 50-50 if great in sack. Meh.

(Swipes kept)


Thank you for revealing top. I’m sure every thing i must know. Bless you.

(Swipes remaining)


Oh no! Mobile dying! Must swipe kept! Should. Reject. Much More. Mushroom-head-

And simply like that, Angry Vagina must call it quits throughout the day until a cell phone charger can be purchased. Just for now.

Theoretically, the pushed downtime allows brand-new shaft prospects the ability to swipe directly on her profile today, indicating their unique delusional wish of banging her. Many wouldn’t make a difference. However when her own plumped for «right-swipes» return the support, otherwise known as the «mutual match», the land thickens.


Persistence, Furious V, Patience.



As continued . . .